SIGNS FROM YOUR KIDS THAT YOU ARE PUTTING TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON THEM
In today’s achievement-driven culture, many parents overload kids with activities in hopes of building standout resumes for college and future success. But children rarely speak up about stress, often staying silent out of fear of letting their parents down. Here are some signs from the experts that you are putting to much pressure on your kids, helping you to know when it is time to ease up.
Children avoid or postpone
When children are feeling overwhelmed, they tend to find ways to delay or avoid doing tasks all together. If as a parent, you are noticing that this is happening more and more often than not, it might be time to back off, and drop dance, or piano, or football. If they are finding ways to avoid or postpone engaging in something that they used to race to get to, then, it may be time to drop the activity.
“Consider what’s the ‘why’ for the kid: Why is the kid taking dance, why is the kid taking the extra math class?” Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and author of the New York Times bestseller “Under Pressure” said in a recent interview with Huffpost.com. “If the ‘why’ is because the parent wants it, but the kid themselves doesn’t have an investment, that’s the time to think hard about whether it’s the right way to go.”
They cannot recover and are always tired
Children who are overwhelmed may seem that they are not focused and are unmotivated, giving the appearance that they are not getting enough rest.
“When your stress goes up, there are all of these depletions that happen,” Michele Borba, educational psychologist and author of “Thrivers: The Surprising Reason Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine” told the outlet. “Your sleep goes, your energy level goes, your focus ability goes.”
Damour added, “Don’t use what other kids are doing as a measure of what your kids should do. It’s important for kids to do hard things and to grow, but they need to be able to recover adequately, and recovery looks really, really different from kid to kid.”
They are not invested in what they are doing
When anyone enjoys doing something, you see them putting in 100 percent effort all the time. When that excitement wains, evidence of not being truly invested sets in.
“If it feels like your kid is … not building capacity or building skill, it might be time to let them take a break from it,” Damour stated. “Perhaps you’re getting the sense or feedback from the adults involved in the activity that your kid is just ‘phoning it in.’”
You care more about the activity than your child
This one speaks for itself. When you as a parent are more invested and care about the activity more than your child, it is time to sit down and re-access goals. Whether it is a subject in school, a sport, an activity, when the parents cares more than the child, it is time to figure out a plan B and not push your child to meet your expectations.
“The place where this goes off the rails is when the student and the parent aren’t in alignment about the goals; when the parent cares a lot more about the student’s work than the student does,” Damour said. “The answer there is not necessarily to press the student harder. Often that will backfire, especially if you have a teenager.”
Lack of enjoyment
Parents can tell when their child enjoys doing a certain thing and when that enjoyment is gone. If you are sensing that there is a lack of enjoyment for something that your child is participating in, it is time for a reality check and not a push. Life is way too short not to enjoy, especially for children. Remember, there is always room to take a pause and start over later or find a new activity all together.
“It’s not that they should love every minute of school or extracurricular activities, but on a balance, we would want our kids to have a sense of growing mastery and pride in the work they are doing,” Damour said.
When kids start showing signs of anxiety, withdrawal, or sudden mood changes, it might be their way of saying they’re overwhelmed and parents need to listen up and re-calibrate!
